Attachment theory explained and how to become secure

For Lizzy, relationships always seemed to end the same way. “I would get to a second or third date and find something wrong with them.”

Just as things began to feel real, the connection she longed for would suddenly feel uncomfortable, even threatening. And she would pull away.

For years, she couldn’t explain why – until she came across attachment theory.

And it was the description of a so-called fearful-avoidant – one of the four attachment styles – which felt strikingly familiar.

It describes someone who wants closeness, but worries that people in their life will eventually reject or abandon them.

“It was like I had found the missing piece to a puzzle that I’ve been trying to solve for years,” Lizzy says.

She is not alone. Attachment theory has exploded into the public consciousness.

On TikTok, videos tagged #AttachmentTheory have racked up hundreds of millions of views.

And in popular culture it’s used to explain everything from Marianne and Connell’s relationship in the hit book and TV series Normal People to the lyrics of Sam Fender and Olivia Dean’s record-breaking number one track Rein Me In.

“The first time I listened to it I started crying,” Lizzy says.

For her, the song gave voice to both sides of avoidant attachment: the fear that can make love feel unbearable, and the confusion felt by the partner left behind.