Why more women carry the ‘mental load’ – and how couples can share it

Many of the women the BBC interviewed said they believed the disparity began with maternity leave.

Wallace says that because women typically take much longer for maternity leave than dads do for paternity leave, they become the “default parent” very early on.

“If you become the person who knows everything, knows where everything is and has in the past done everything, everybody starts coming to you for everything,” she says, “so you remain that central person even if you return to work.”

In the UK, mothers can take up to 52 weeks of statutory maternity leave, 39 of which can be paid, while fathers can take up to two weeks of leave with statutory paternity pay. Parents can also take shared parental leave.

Some employers offer extra parental leave to their workers, but most people earn less when on maternity or paternity leave, which affects how much leave many fathers take.

Cleare says workplaces can help by making examples of fathers taking paternity leave, not just offering it, and by setting expectations around when employees are contactable, and supporting career conversations for women.

It can also come down to what are seen as traditional roles.

Zach Watson, a married father of three and coach in the US on sharing the mental load, says his grandfather might never have cooked a meal in his married life, while his father did only a little.

In the first five years of his marriage, his wife cooked most of the time. If he offered to cook, he would ask her what she wanted – a question that could actually add to her mental load.

He learned he could come to her with options for dinner, having already looked in the fridge, and give her a default if she wanted to opt entirely out of decision-making. And if he needed help, instead of just asking “Where’s the ketchup?”, he could explain where he had already looked.