I’m always disappointed – Why you should stop being a perfectionist

Perfectionism has a great reputation. It’s one of the most common answers used in a job interview to spin the dreaded “What’s your weakness?” into a humblebrag.

For many, it’s about striving for excellence or working tirelessly to reach the highest standard.

But what happens when these high (and sometimes unrelenting) expectations of yourself are exactly what’s holding you back?

“I know perfectionism is an illusion, but I am always trying to chase it,” admits 25-year-old Aswan.

Even in the workplace, she feels the pressure, “I know that I can make a mistake and I won’t lose my job, yet I constantly feel like I’m one strike away from being fired”.

It’s an anxiety shared by many perfectionists, says health psychologist Dr Sula Windgassen. Speaking on the BBC Sounds podcast Complex, she explains: “Poor self-esteem tends to go hand in hand with perfectionism because there is this fear of failing”.

That fear often fuels procrastination. Aswan remembers taking her driving theory test: “I got so pent up about passing it first time that when I failed by a couple of points I’ve never tried to get it back.” That was almost four years ago.

Perfectionism can be rooted in personality, but childhood experiences, school environments, and parental expectations can also shape what we grow up believing is “good enough”.

While perfectionism isn’t a clinical diagnosis, its effects are very real – from anxiety and tiredness to stress-related physical symptoms such as a weakened immune system.

Still, experts say the cycle can be broken. Dr Windgassen suggests beginning what’s known in psychology as a behavioural experiment.

It starts by asking yourself what you think will happen if the outcome isn’t perfect – writing down your predictions, and then testing them in real time.

Was the outcome as bad as you expected? And what positive things came from this new approach? It might be that you manage to go to sleep at 10pm rather than 1am, leaving you feeling more refreshed.

For 26-year-old Dayna, who describes herself as a “former perfectionist”, it’s a trait she is relieved to have left behind. She once sacrificed her wellbeing in pursuit of flawless results and it’s something she never wants to repeat.

“I kept a journal to gain more self-awareness about my tendencies and read self-help books,” says Dayna.

“I had to learn the hard way how to develop coping mechanisms and strategies to not sacrifice everything and that being a perfectionist is not a noble quality as I used to think it might be.”

At times, her harsh inner critic took over and eventually the path to perfectionism led to burnout.

Looking back, Dayna remembers feeling chronically anxious and stressed.

“Right now I have become content with just trying my best and accepting that I can’t always get the outcome I want but the outcome I get will be more than good enough and I am at peace with that now.”

Not all perfectionism is necessarily harmful. One form, known as perfectionistic striving, focuses on setting more ambitious personal goals. When these goals can be adapted in response to changing circumstances, they tend to cause less stress and lead to more positive outcomes. For example, an athlete setting tough goals, but cutting back on training when they’re injured.

But it still has its limitations. A research paper published in July 2025 by the British Psychological Society found that aiming for excessively high goals often leads to long working hours, with only marginal gains in performance.

Working through these perfectionistic tendencies can be uncomfortable, says Dr Windgassen – but that discomfort is part of the process.

“That’s not a sign that you shouldn’t do it – it’s a sign that you should,” she says.